Anal probe-y?

(holds up a flashlighty thing to Annie)

Theo: "Do you like this?"
Annie: "It looks a little anal probe-y."
Theo: "Would you like an anal probe?"

"Such a sausage fest, It'll be like heaven for a woman"

"I also wanna go see Transformers cos there's gonna be like BIG LINE of hot chicks."

Keeping You Abreast

"Mmmm Breasts. Yes!"

Does He Think We Believe This Stuff?

Me: "Why are you staring at me? What did I do?"
Theo: "I am just admiring the beauty of the environment around me."

And There Was Prancing

(While I am working quietly away at my own desk, staring at my computer monitor)

Theo: "Why are you lookin' at me?"
Me: "What?"
Theo: "YOU! You are lookin' at me!"
Me: "Uhhh"
Theo: "Do you need a closer look?"

(Theo prances across the room and stands 3" from my face)

Theo: "There! All better?"
Me: "Uhhh"

Lightsabreing?

(In A Yoda Voice)

"YES! I AM DONE! I AM LIGHTSABREING IT ALL DONE TODAY! TAKE THAT YOU PUBLIX HEADER!"

(30 seconds later)

"Chewbacca is much more fun to do but I can't do it right...
YAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!"

Sometimes he doesn't even have to talk

(He stands up from his desk, plants his feet shoulder length apart and begins grinding his hips and swishing his knees and arms back and forth as if he's skiing moguls. He does this for about 15 seconds before stopping and sitting back down to work as if nothing has happened. All of this happens without him saying a word.)

Whatever Theo

"I am not responsible for the things I say between the hours of 9 and 5. I work for Brian, it's all his fault."

It came out of his mouth this convoluted

"I wanna be a bicycle seat of a bicycle that a hot chick owns."

Randoms

Theo: "Hey Liz, I have a question for you. Would you rather know if there is life after death or know when you are going to die?"

Me: "I would rather know if and in what form life takes after death."

Theo: "Ok. Over that of knowing when yer gonna die?"

Me: "Yeah."

Theo: "Me too."

Me: "That's it?"

Theo: Yup."

Me: "You don't want to know anything else?"

Theo: "Nope. Wait, how are we going to get to the theatre tonight?"

Sung in the Style of Frank Sinatra

"Lizzy, Oh Lizzy...
I am workin, I'm always workin....

Dreamin', I'm always dreaming...
Somewhere, somebody lovesssss meeeee...."

"Could you pull yourself out while your legs are being chewed up?"

"If you fell into a wood chipper... would you want to go in head first or legs first?"

I have a dream...

"Heather had this really good dream last night and it's probably too good to tell you but I can't pass it up..."

(Minutes pass while he argues with himself about whether to keep talking because he's afraid I am going to blog what he says and I am forced to promise not to blog it)

Where Does He Go to Happy Hour?

"Is it happy hour because you're going to take your shirt off or happy hour because you're going to get drunk?"

All about Rice Paddy Hats Today

"When I was in heaven and the lord said pick a straw any straw... I picked brown. Should I wear my rice paddy hat tomorrow?"

On Blogging

"Are you reading my blog?! STOP READING MY BLOG?!"

(In reference to how unfunny he thinks it is that I post the funny things he says.)

Sex Slaves

"I would never sue Larry for that, he would just be my sexual slave... for life."

(In reference to accidentally starting his pants on fire.)

Dreams

"You shouldn't be concerned so much about me dreaming about you. It's the details of the dream that make it exciting."

Tuckus

"I showed her the birthmark on my tuckus that looks like Jupiter. Do you wanna see it?"
(On why a co-worker is not at work today)

(2 minutes later)

"Would you like to see the asteroid belt?"
(Gesturing at his waist)

Thundercats Ho!

"Frickin' Sweet! She was busty for a cartoon!!"
(About Cheetara)

The worst bit is that this comes after a comment about her ass.

“It’s a good thing Heather has a big head too.”