Only in the 80's man...

Brian: "Are you giving me a snow job?"
Theo: "OOOH SNOWJOB! That Sounds Sexy!"

Who is dancing for who?

"Hey Larry, tomorrow is Secretary's Day so don't forget it's the day for the lap dance."

I don't think he understands the concept of detoxing

Theo: "Heather detoxes too, but she detoxes from people."
Me: "In other words Heather stops talking to you for two weeks and you call it a detox?"
Theo: "Well..."

Sometimes the setting is the worst part

(In the second floor men's bathroom)

"From now on I am not going to hold it in for as long as I can. Instead I am just going to go when it comes. You know, like the indians."

Boogers

"My biology teacher in high school used to say that the carbon that comes out of your nose (ie boogers) could be the carbon from dinosaurs."

He is one of those guys.

"I don't pee in closets although I did put my bed in there once and sleep in there."

Candy Coated Chocolate Flavored Candy

Theo: "Yes Liz, it's more rocking than your usual affair."
Me: "No, it's a fare, not affair."
Theo: "It's more titillating for it to be an affair."

He definitely has a self confidence problem

"All my ideas are good ideas."

He's talking about... pudding?

"It's like a personal massage on my tongue."

Lactating...

"Seriously man, are you lactating? Stop massaging your nipples during work!"

Not nominated for 2nd floor employee of the month

"What about you Bill, are you wet and tingly?"

where does he think he's going?

"I just want you all to know that i"ve enjoyed working with you. you're good people and if i should be offered a job in tobago or barbados or san francisco or somewhere in europe i will have to bid you farewell. but until that time..."

old meat?

"It smells like old meat in here. I SMELL LIKE OLD MEAT!"

Whatever gets him in the mood

"Did you just try to grab my crotch?!? You just tried to grab my crotch!"

(30 Seconds Later)

"Hey [name deleted], remember last night? How are your rug burns? Did you put some salve on that?"

Anal probe-y?

(holds up a flashlighty thing to Annie)

Theo: "Do you like this?"
Annie: "It looks a little anal probe-y."
Theo: "Would you like an anal probe?"

"Such a sausage fest, It'll be like heaven for a woman"

"I also wanna go see Transformers cos there's gonna be like BIG LINE of hot chicks."

Keeping You Abreast

"Mmmm Breasts. Yes!"

Does He Think We Believe This Stuff?

Me: "Why are you staring at me? What did I do?"
Theo: "I am just admiring the beauty of the environment around me."

And There Was Prancing

(While I am working quietly away at my own desk, staring at my computer monitor)

Theo: "Why are you lookin' at me?"
Me: "What?"
Theo: "YOU! You are lookin' at me!"
Me: "Uhhh"
Theo: "Do you need a closer look?"

(Theo prances across the room and stands 3" from my face)

Theo: "There! All better?"
Me: "Uhhh"

Lightsabreing?

(In A Yoda Voice)

"YES! I AM DONE! I AM LIGHTSABREING IT ALL DONE TODAY! TAKE THAT YOU PUBLIX HEADER!"

(30 seconds later)

"Chewbacca is much more fun to do but I can't do it right...
YAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!"

Sometimes he doesn't even have to talk

(He stands up from his desk, plants his feet shoulder length apart and begins grinding his hips and swishing his knees and arms back and forth as if he's skiing moguls. He does this for about 15 seconds before stopping and sitting back down to work as if nothing has happened. All of this happens without him saying a word.)

Whatever Theo

"I am not responsible for the things I say between the hours of 9 and 5. I work for Brian, it's all his fault."

It came out of his mouth this convoluted

"I wanna be a bicycle seat of a bicycle that a hot chick owns."

Randoms

Theo: "Hey Liz, I have a question for you. Would you rather know if there is life after death or know when you are going to die?"

Me: "I would rather know if and in what form life takes after death."

Theo: "Ok. Over that of knowing when yer gonna die?"

Me: "Yeah."

Theo: "Me too."

Me: "That's it?"

Theo: Yup."

Me: "You don't want to know anything else?"

Theo: "Nope. Wait, how are we going to get to the theatre tonight?"

Sung in the Style of Frank Sinatra

"Lizzy, Oh Lizzy...
I am workin, I'm always workin....

Dreamin', I'm always dreaming...
Somewhere, somebody lovesssss meeeee...."

"Could you pull yourself out while your legs are being chewed up?"

"If you fell into a wood chipper... would you want to go in head first or legs first?"

I have a dream...

"Heather had this really good dream last night and it's probably too good to tell you but I can't pass it up..."

(Minutes pass while he argues with himself about whether to keep talking because he's afraid I am going to blog what he says and I am forced to promise not to blog it)

Where Does He Go to Happy Hour?

"Is it happy hour because you're going to take your shirt off or happy hour because you're going to get drunk?"

All about Rice Paddy Hats Today

"When I was in heaven and the lord said pick a straw any straw... I picked brown. Should I wear my rice paddy hat tomorrow?"

On Blogging

"Are you reading my blog?! STOP READING MY BLOG?!"

(In reference to how unfunny he thinks it is that I post the funny things he says.)

Sex Slaves

"I would never sue Larry for that, he would just be my sexual slave... for life."

(In reference to accidentally starting his pants on fire.)

Dreams

"You shouldn't be concerned so much about me dreaming about you. It's the details of the dream that make it exciting."

Tuckus

"I showed her the birthmark on my tuckus that looks like Jupiter. Do you wanna see it?"
(On why a co-worker is not at work today)

(2 minutes later)

"Would you like to see the asteroid belt?"
(Gesturing at his waist)

Thundercats Ho!

"Frickin' Sweet! She was busty for a cartoon!!"
(About Cheetara)

The worst bit is that this comes after a comment about her ass.

“It’s a good thing Heather has a big head too.”

What flavor are your buns?

“I have small wheat buns, Heather has large white buns.”

Have To's

“I don’t know. I don’t really like it. Heather watches American Idol. ... I have to watch it with her.”

On Sewing

“She’s my little pincushion.”
(In reference to Heather)

No Title Does This Justice

"I want to lick the ebony."
(With his tongue in a pack of pudding)

More on the Chain Gang

"Wait til I get my chain gang, it'll be great."

Walking Down The Aisle

"That would be silly, he would lose his freedom."
(In reference to getting married.)

Wife Swapping is the Future

"I can always trade up."
(in reference to Heather)

Gold Plated!

(In reference to starting his own agency)

"My employees will be members of a chain gang, an actual chain gang. They will be chained together. But gold plated, so it's a nice chain."

Lord Knows How She Puts Up With Him

"Heather loves my crazy ways... Both outside and underneath the covers."

Witnessed by Someone Other Than Myself

Theo alone in the creative room:
(yelling and pointing at empty desks around him)
"GET TO WORK!! I'M THE BOSS OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!!"

On People In The Office

"He's the one who looks like a weiner, right?"

Beets

With a container of beets in his hand.
Theo to Bill: "I saved my period for you, in a box, so we can be closer.
Here. Do I look healthy?"

I Think Charlie Makes A Better Nickname

Theo: "Nobody calls me by my nickname."
Liz: "You don't have one.
Theo: "Yeah, BOSSMAN."

BWBNA

Email from Theo:

Rachel,

Don't be upset, TT paid me a visit. He's moved on. He borrowed my iPod data cable just a moment ago.

Who's HOT now?!

Bossman

(When Brian's Not Around, BWBNA)

The Obsession with Sex Slaves Begins

Theo: "I'm Heather's slave. Sex slave. Yeahh!"

Bossy and Boss are Not The Same Thing

Rachael to Theo: "You're not the boss of me."
Theo: "that's ok because I'm the boss of Heather."